She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
