u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
How's work?
Spinning.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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