Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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