theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
