I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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