please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
