from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
