so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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