I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
