I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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