I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
