Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
