would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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