Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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