After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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