I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
