I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
