i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
