Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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