So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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