Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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