So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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