I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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