Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
