I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
