Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
