im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
