he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
