So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
what day is it and did you see me today?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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