I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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