On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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