There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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