just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
