dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
