I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF