My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
