Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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