last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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