things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
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Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
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We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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