I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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