Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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