Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
