note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
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she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
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I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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