guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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