I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
