I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
