Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
i think my cat just said my name.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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