who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
