Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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