i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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