he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
