I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
