Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
