He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
