guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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