TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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