I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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