Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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